I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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