Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
