Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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