Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
