sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
