The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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