Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
