remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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