Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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