The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Randomize
