You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I have fence marks all over my body
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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