I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
