...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
