theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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