Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
