i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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