I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
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