it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
