Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
