just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
