Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize