That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I fill condoms, not promises.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize