You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
