im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
