i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
