I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
