I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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