I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
