Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
