shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize