I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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