This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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