I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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