I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
