I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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