this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
