Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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