The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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