hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
