never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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