I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
