We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
