I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
