Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Im part way to drunk.
pray to the hookup gods
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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