its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
