I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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