Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
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Im part way to drunk.
pray to the hookup gods
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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