I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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