I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Randomize
