All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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