ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
