I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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