Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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