watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
