what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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