i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
