We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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