can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
