The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
