The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'm both gender and math confused
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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