Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize