If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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