i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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