when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
BRING THE BAGELS
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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