So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
