dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
