I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
