I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
