i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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