apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
