Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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