...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
