she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
