all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
