Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
