i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
