he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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