sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
