So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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