Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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